Are you Self-Confident?
What is self-confidence?
Is self-confidence always knowing what you are doing? Being the best? Being an expert? Not ever making a mistake?
For years I wondered what self-confidence meant and how I could be more self-confident myself. I used to try and check if there were people in my circles who would be flawlessly self-confident, meaning, they would have confidence breathing through their pores at every moment as if they were the incarnation of this trait, or the god of this virtue.
In my search have never met anyone who I could say was fully 100% self-confident. I found people who were confident at something they were good at, or who faked it till they made it, or who would boast on their achievements, titles, income, salary, knowledge to make themselves look good in the eyes of a surrounding crowd or group of friends... even I have been guilty of some of this things, but that is not self-confidence.
Self-confidence as I understand it to be, is a state of trusting oneself and believing in oneself to be capable of achieving mastery or dexterity at something, even when not being an expert, or being a complete ignorant who is just starting. Is to have the courage and trust to be in that discomfort zone where one feels clumsy and awkward with something they never tried or done before, but aspire to improve and get good at.
Is knowing that not knowing, being a new starter, daring to go to a new thing will have moments of failure and loss and believing that these challenges can be surpassed and taking action to do so. Is having a deep knowing that we can all make mistakes, say the wrong thing, look ridiculous and embarrassing sometimes, and that others may judge our actions in unfavourable ways, and that we can self-correct, know when is appropriate to self-correct - meaning, we don’t necessarily do it for external approval, but because we know our inner-core and our actions and behaviour comes from our inner guidance, rather than the approval starved ego.
Is having the humility to say “I don’t know” when we don’t know or have an answer, instead of fearing to be looked at as ignorant, but also knowing that we have an innate capacity to learn and getting good at something we decide to put our mind, focus and effort into. Is actually being ok with not always and forever be the best, the greatest, the top one, not because there’s an issue with wanting those things - quite the contrary, it’s a great motivator to try to excel at something like an Olympian athlete for example, but knowing that someone can always surpass our excellency, and in no way does that diminish our core value as a human on this planet. That our value is not determined or dependent on always being at the top of something, always being the best and getting the praise of others as such. Yes we can get really good, achieve a level of Mastery at a certain topic, but our inner value, self-esteem, notion of our self-worth is not dependent on that. Otherwise it will fluctuate always at the whims of others fashion and trends, their preferences and the marketing done for appearances. The individual will tend to feel empty as if something is lacking if that admiration and praise are not present, and that shows that it’s not truly self-confidence there, but an extreme insecurity and fear of not being seen in a favourable, superior light. This confidence comes from outside in, not from the inside out, therefore, is not self-confidence, but the lack of it.
True self-confidence is ok with being who it is, with not knowing, with venturing new challenges, with being unsure about the victory, in stepping into the discomfort zone, with hitting and missing, with failing for some time, with trying and erring, with sometimes saying the wrong thing, or looking silly. True self-confidence is not depending on looking a certain way, or giving a certain image, is also not always judging and acting like it knows everything, about things or people. True- self-confidence is not afraid to make questions, ask for help, say “I don’t know”, make mistakes, express what it thinks even if it may sound dumb and has the humility to learn and change when appropriate. It doesn’t dance according to others thoughts and judgments - after all, the others, many times are imprisoned in an idea of fitting an approving social image they don’t always necessarily agree to... - And the self-confident are ok. They are ok to feel insecure, unsure and have doubts sometimes, they don’t deny these, no. They embrace the uncertainty and insecurity and work with them to get an impulse to act, to go towards learning and growing in the areas that these inhabit, they brave the unknown territories despite their fearful voices in the head and keep the focus, because they know that is the temporary steep road of leaving a comfort zone, that the more they walk towards their goals and objectives, the stronger and more knowledgeable they will get.
They also learn to live in the moment, they know that is what they do every day and the focus they keep on the destination while enjoying the process that will take them where they want to go. Each small victory, feeds their trust that they can get there, and the more challenges they have faced, the more they recognise their potential to reach new levels and goals and face new challenges.
If you want to develop Self-confidence, you have to work it like a muscle, the more you use it, the stronger it gets, but that doesn’t mean that there can not be a failure, or only victory is optional. No. It means that you have the wisdom to know “where, when, what”, is truly worth for you in your life and daring to go for it, and knowing when to adjust your sails to the winds of obstacles... but also, when you should decide that it’s really time to change course, because your spiritual heart tells you to - and this not because you’re running away from the fear of failing - but when is truly time to let go, because your growth zone is calling you to a different challenge with more growth expansion.
Being self-confident after all doesn’t mean that we are sure and confident all the time, at everything without doubts, like a the god of self-confidence. It means that in spite of feeling the insecurities and doubts, we still move ahead no less.